To be a beaver or not to be a beaver

I was sat there watching, he was so small in a large room full of screaming boys, he was happy, excited. I relaxed a little, the giggles of these boys dressed in blue running around, excitable, it was nice to see him join in in an unknown place. A few minutes later they were gathered into a circle, confusion flushed over his face, he followed suit eyes darting all over the room. It all went a little blurry from there, some introductions to the new boys, some chanting, a whistle blowing, loud shouting 'BEAVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' and then it happened, the tears, the meltdown. 

Me and the Bobs 

I sometimes forget Bobs is on the spectrum, well kind of anyway, you kind of relax into doing what you do for them naturally, you get used to the constant questions, the mood swings, the confusion and repeating, it just becomes our crazy kind of normal. I looked into beavers for Bobs a few weeks ago, I spoke to the leader and explained about his ASD (as much as I could anyways, it's not easy to explain), he was understanding and asked if I would stay with him for the first few times, I was relieved that I wasn't expected to leave him, my apron strings were twitching away, I have only ever left him at 2 parties and both knew all about Bobs and his quirks (let's go with quirks, I prefer that than to keep going on about ASD). 

Once settled Bobs just sat by me with his head on me asking to leave, I stayed, I wasn't being mean I just knew that leaving would only make him sad later. The wonderful Beaver leader came to have some jokes with him, he asked if he would like a biscuit and if he thinks he can sneak him over a biscuit without the others seeing, this had him laughing away, he hid the biscuit so the others couldn't see and listened to Black Beaver tell him about what happens at Beavers.  Five minutes passed and his shoulders started to relax and soon they were all called for a biscuit and drink, Bobs was desperate for a drink, I sat there and nodded towards the line of boys waiting for a drink then looked away and let him decide for himself. He toddled over for a drink, he looked over to me probably twice a minute and every so often gave me a thumbs up, I didn't look at him long enough to speak to me, this would lead to him coming back to me. Soon they were gathered into their lines,  I watched as he rolled himself all over the floors and chattered to himself in his own world, no idea of what he is being told, fully engrossed in his own wondering mind. Soon enough he was asking to come back to me, I encouraged him to stay a few times, but it wasn't long before I was by his side, I wanted to go to him so he would keep in the activities rather than him sat with me on the sidelines. I purposely lost the game after a few minutes so he could carry on without me, he would do this because he won't break the rules, that's a no no!! 

One of our many wonderful days out

All in all we ended on a good note, I was gracious of the kind words from the leaders, and their understanding, I was happy to hear that Bobs wanted to come back again next week, we walked out happy, Bobs was batman and all was right in his world. I still felt that dull ache that lingers, the ache that reminds you that you can't change it for him, that this is his normal, our normal. My lovely Dan sat with me in the car when we got home, he was trying his best to find the right words to comfort me, I was trying so hard to explain that I don't want to change him and it's no trouble it just makes me sad sometimes. 

💞 My Bobs 💞